Blah...too late :(

I finally got around to calling the credit card companies. One of my credit cards was closed and sent to collections :(. For the past three years I paid that card on time. I took a pride in getting my credit back on track. It hurts :( I actually cried when I heard that today. I stopped paying back in February. ..when everything went a muck.

Luckily one of my credit cards was still open and I am setting up a payment for tomorrow.


Still have some discomfort with chest and pressure around the lungs... but nothing compared to that sensation of the nose/brain area that caused hyperventilation. It's uncomfortable but manageable.

Trying to get my self esteem back

I think it is safe to say I no longer have panic disorder. That's not to say I will never have a panic attack again, but it's no longer a daily thing. I hope I am not talking too soon but that seems to be the case. I do have heart palpitations, and occasionally it feels as if an elephant is sitting on my chest/heart area....but not the hyperventilation problem....

Depression was tough. That's an understatement. I've never been depressed for so long in my life before. I still have qualms about antidepressants though. I read somewhere that psychiatrists are more likely than the average person to take SSRI's b/c they know the benefits of them. I suppose I am afraid of the up or downs I might go through by getting off of them. The Lexapro was helpful, and I am going to use it for a month or two more, but I didn't feel like me. You know when you cry and your heart hurts? When you actually feel that ache while you are crying. With Lexapro I felt that ache but it was numb. There but not there.

Six months of depression. The severe depression started right about the time my Uncle died, and I had to send my son away.

Six months of zombie like nothingness. Of crying everyday. Of not accomplishing anything in my life. Of not going anywhere.

Now that I think I am finally seeing the light, where or how do I get my self esteem back on track? My credit went to mess. My clothes no longer fit. I have very little self pride.

I used to wake up in the morning with excitement and joy about the day and it's possibilities. I want to now, but as much as I try it feels feigned.

Plus as of late I my body has been going through discomfort. Burning sensation under the skin, muscle aches. These past two weeks I wake up unable to open my jaw, and my shoulder and neck feel frozen when I wake up in the morning. I've googled the symptoms and TMJ comes up. Nothing serious but it sure is uncomfortable. I'll go to a doctor if it keeps up to find out what is wrong.

I'm looking forward to my appointment with my psychiatrist this week. I really don't know what would have happened to me without his assistance. I wish I could afford to see the psychotherapist that recommended him to me. She was wonderful. I think more than any medication what I need is someone to talk to.

My son is having a blast. I am so happy he's having fun. Last night he went to spend the night at his friends' house. This morning he went to church with my grandparents. My mom bought him his favorite Rhonaldinho soccer shoes...I wish I were down there with him but I have to use this time to organize things for next year. That will be our last year in New York. I want him to finish middle school here.

Unfortunately the apartment didn't work out. I was supposed to "sublease' it, but the Jewish lady found out, and I was honest with her. I could have caused a fuss, and stayed in the apartment, gotten a lawyer, but the last thing I wanted is a group of Hasidics upset with me. Her parents are Holocaust survivors.

She had promised the apartment to a construction guy, and he's renovating the apartment right now as I am typing. The apartment was nice, two bedrooms for 725 dollars, with a view to the Empire State Building. I had to move out to another apartment on the same floor. It's a one bedroom for 1000 dollars. I'll live in Brooklyn, walk up six flights of stairs for 725 dollars a month, but no way will I do that for the apartment I am in now.

Its been a learning experience for both myself and my son. Living here has been like living in Antwerp. It has a very European feel to it. My building is full of these adorable little children playing in the hallways. They practice their English with me. One little boy asks me every time he see me "What is your name?" and if there are other kids they start to echo him. The stairway fills of little voices asking me what my name is.

There is a very peaceful energy in this area, I feel very safe here. I think that has been conducive in helping to heal my panic disorder.

When we first got here my son went to the Kosher grocery store to get some milk and cereal. He came back frustrated and upset.

" Mom I am never going to the Kosher store ever ever again! The lady threw the change at me!I'm NEVER going there again- no way. That was so rude! Mom she THEW the change at me. From now on I am only going to the Latino store."

Well after reading and studying about the Hasids he understands now, we now go to the Kosher store and if there's a man at the register my son gets the change and vice-versa. One thing I found odd it that they are all on foodstamps!! Then again with 9 to 10 kids per family....

They keep all the non Jewish people on the sixth floor so there is an interesting dynamic amongst the people on this floor. I've never lived in a place and had neighbors reach out to me ( friendship wise) in such a short time period.

On of my neighbors is a 20 year old photography assistant who is also subleasing. She lent me a video the other day about the Hasids called A Life Apart. It was fascinating to watch b/c it gave me an inside look into their world.

They are very peaceful people. It's been a fun learning experience, but I couldn't handle living here for long...I'm a loner as it is, but feeling like a minority just walking down the streets kinda odd. I'm always worried if my shirt is too tight. I won't wear shorts around here either.

Plus I miss Manhattan way too much. No more subway for me or my son.

Oh and my passport is in Arlington Texas. I left my cell phone on in the hopes that whoever took my bag might use it. Well they did and all the calls were in Texas. Whoever flew out of the terminal went to Texas, and kept my cell phone and passport. I am going back to the airport tmmrw and reporting it as theft. I called one of the numbers that was called out from my cellphone with and a man answered. I asked him about my passport and told him I would pay him a reward for it. He denied everything. I called back 10 minutes later and both my cell phone and his cell phone were turned off! I have his name and number ( I did a reverse search) and am going to give it to the detectives. It would be sweet if they could find out if anyone under that name flew out of the airport terminal I was at. What a piece of dirt that person must be. This morning I called his cellphone number and it is now disconnected.

Hmmmmm

Good news - no panic attack or breathing problems today for me. Just a tingling sensation in my legs and hands - as if they had fallen asleep.

Not so good news - I saw my son sticking his head out the window this morning. That's how he deals with the breathing problem. Somehow he thinks by sticking his head out the window it will help his panic attack. Makes sense from a child's point of view. He's had two full blown panic attacks, and I am beginning to realize that they occur when he is moving from one place to another. Poor thing :(. He was starting up on the subway as well. Not full blown panic but where I can tell he is feeling ill. He get a very worried look on his face and I can tell he is trying to control his breath.

Good news - I was able to get his mind off of it with questions like; What's the first thing your going to eat when you get to grandma's house? Or are you going which friends house are you going to go over to first?

Great news - He's on summer vacation away from the stinky city, and is going to enjoy every minute of it. Soccer camp, the beach, his friends, grandma spoiling him...

Good news - My doctor called and I am setting up an appointment for next week

Crappy news - I was so emotionally overwhelmed at the airport today while I was waiting for his airplane to take off I started to cry tears of happiness?relief? Whatever they were....that combined with feeling lightheaded and faint ...

and I forgot the bag where I was carrying my passport at the terminal! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Wishful thinking news - I am still keeping my hopes up that someone will turn it in tomorrow. I think one of the cleaning ladies got it.


Could it be I no longer have panic disorder???

Feeling a little weak

I've run out of all medicine ( including Xanax) I saved two just in case.

I called my doctor and he returned my phone call ....left a message that he did not have any availability for last week..... but he did for this week. I was busy moving furniture from one apartment to the other...and I wasn't able to set up an appointment for this week. Will be doing so next week.... I want to get on the Lexapro for just a month or two more. I really felt it was helpful and allowed me to "heal". I am not fond of the idea of staying on it. I don't feel my body or mind should rely on any kind of medicine.

Tomorrow my son is leaving for his summer vacation. I was doing ok, until I thought about him leaving. He's going to have so much fun, but I am still going to miss him.

I am beginning to realize I might suffer from a severe form separation anxiety. Every panic attack ( except for one) that I have had has been while I am away from him. Two of them in the airport. Today I started feeling very weak - no hyperventilation- but just weak. Almost as if I were to exert myself too much I might faint. Shallow breathing. A few heart palpitations here and there...no "panic" feeling though. No psychological panic - just weakness. No sensation in the upper nasal area like before....

Interesting...

Tomorrow will be a big day. I am taking him to the airport and it's going to be at LaGuardia the place where I had my last panic attack. I think I will be ok. I'll be proud of myself if everything goes well...

Speaking of proud... well my son makes me so proud. He went through so much this year. And was able to tough it out, pass 7th grade, and still keep the shine in eyes and love in his heart. He makes it all worth it. That's why no matter what happens I'll keep fighting and staying strong for his sake.

Almost there ( I hope)

I haven't updated in a while. I suppose that is a good thing. For now the panic breathing problem is all but gone. Amazing that such a small amount of Lexapro would be the answer to that. I am taking .25 once every other day. I have missed a lot of days..but just a little is enough to stop the breathing problem. I wonder what component of Lexapro is the one that helps with the anxiety in such little time? I'll try to do some research on that.

I tried for about a week to not take the Lexapro and well the breathing problem that starts out with the sensation above my nose started up again. So I'm both happy and disenchanted about that. I'm happy b/c I have a solution for the hyperventilation issue, but saddened by the fact that I have to take medicine to help it. I've taken very little of the xanax.

I did hit a huge bump in the road about a week and a half ago. I had just gotten back from my Uncle's funeral/celebration in May. It was in his garden in upstate NY. The celebration was wonderful for me insomuch that I was surrounded by my family. It was painful me as well. The last day there I went on a a morning walk with my cousin through his gardens, and we passed by the place where my Uncle's ashes were thrown. We contemplated about life, and my Uncle, and started to walk back to the house.

A bright red truck approached the driveway. . .It was early on a Sunday morning so it was rather odd. We then found out it was the truck with the tombstone. The two drivers placed the tombstone right on top of the grass where my Uncle's ashes were. Everything seemed bleak then. All the hoopla/celebration was washed away that second by the site of the tombstone. The guests, the chamber orchestra, the champagne, the hors d'oeuvres, the beautiful memory wall filled with pictures of my Uncle's life, were erased from my present memory as I stared at that tombstone.




My Cousin looking at the resting place

A few days later I had a breakdown. Which ended me up at the
hospital. I was writing things out for the civil lawsuit with my dad's case. The night before I had spoken to my mother. We talked about a lot of emotional issues, and then the conversation went on to who would get what when she died. That didn't help, although upsetting me was not her intention at all.

I 've noticed that it takes me a few days before I react to a death, or tragic event. React as in mental breakdown. So I have to make note of that three to four day time period. . . for next time. So I'll be more aware of my actions and why I am doing them. Sometimes the heartache and the pain is to much and logic gets thrown out the window. I think I need to educate myself more on the process of bereavement.

So anyways I was sitting there writing and the tears started flowing out...just dropping onto the papers below. My mind was flooded memories of my dad, and the tombstone of my Uncle. Ouch those memories hurt so much....


It affected my life, and my son's, in so many ways. Early intervention with panic disorder is the key in stopping it from becoming a chronic condition. Instead I had to deal with accusations, verbal abuse, bogus medical records, and blacklisting with my doctor which made it almost impossible to find medical help.

I had a fever of 103.5 earlier this month that lasted for almost over a week. I woke up one day screaming from a nightmare "please don't take my medicine away". During the nightmare I was walking and the floor kept falling out beneath me.I cried the whole afternoon. I don't think anyone can truly understand the nightmare Klonzopine withdrawal without experiencing it. Plus I wasn't experiencing just that, I was was experience a new illness. That of panic disorder.

The hardest part about going through psychiatric abuse like that is the lack of someone to talk about it to - especially how the situation played out in my case - moving to a new city and simultaneously coming down with panic disorder. And the struggles of trying to find a doctor for the first time to help one treat it.


Especially when I complied with my treatment exactly how they prescribed it to me. That is scary that they would play with someones life and mental health like that.

Anyways my son took care of that for me. Bless his heart. He has been so strong and resilient. The social worker/nurses at the other hopsital asked him what was wrong, and he told them. My mommy is really sad about everyone dying in our family .
Speaking of death ....we've had 4 deaths in the past two years. My son also experienced the death of his paternal grandfather this January. He died of prostate cancer. That hit him emotionally to the point of numbness. That is what I see on my son's face now numbness.

Anyways I had a breakdown and landed at another NYC hospital. My son was there with me. The staff at the other hospital was excellent.

Sure some of them looked at me like I was a nuts, but no one was unprofessional.

I think now that the hyperventilation issue is gone, I am battling depression a little bit more now b/c reality is sinking in. All the months wasted, the sheer fear and terror of forgetting how to breath, the months wasted on the couch trying to breath, the friends lost, the wrinkles and gray hairs I gained. The battle to try to find medical help. I look back at text messages on my phone from before my panic disorder....and I don't remember who I was. Dealing with that realization is difficult.

Also I feel terrible , terrible about my son. I feel like I have failed him in so many ways. He's never had to experience poverty, or homelessness. But there really was no other solution. I had to get him out of the school environment in South Carolina. I knew my son. He had never gotten into any detentions, or problems at his private Montessori School in South America. To watch all the racism and hate play out , and have you son expelled and harassed by the same teachers that are there to teach him was just too much. It is a shame because there were some excellent teachers at my son's school. His honors teachers were fabulous. South Carolina is a beautiful and safe environment to raise a child. However I couldn't allow the racism to continue. Even my grandmother who was up at my Uncle's funeral told everyone that my son experienced a 'backlash' at school due to the new Mexican population that is arriving at the upper middle class town.

However I think I could have avoided my son going through homeless situation if I had received proper medical help in time. I ended up spending all my savings in trying to find a doctor, and time that I could have spent looking for a job was spent on the couch experiencing withdrawals & hyperventilating.

Oh and speaking of family , my younger sister ended up in the hospital this month. She was supposed to come up to the funeral but could not make it. She had a breakdown due to my Uncle's death. It also brought up a lot of issues for her concerning our father's death as well. She's still in the hospital. I feel so bad for her :( Funny that our feelings and sadness were mirroring each other even though we were miles away and hadn't spoken. I think that for both of us ( more in her case b/c she never got to know her dad) our Uncle was the only loving and genuinely kind male role figure that we had in our lives apart from our father who died ( my adoptive father) ....and perhaps this is why it was such a 'trigger' event for both of us.

My sister, myself, and Uncle Charlie

!

My grandma brought me to tears when me about what happened after they rushed up there in early January when he fell into the coma. They got there just in time. He died a day or two later. My grandma told me she held his hand and said, "I'm here now ", and that tears rolled down his cheek. Even though he was dying in a coma and suffering from Alzheimer's he recognized his sister's voice . . .:(

I am going out with my son now.... don't want to spend all day blogging or on the computer..but I'll write more later. My main goal now is to find a way to get off of the Lexapro and stop the breathing issue all together. I hope I will be able to do so eventually without the assistance of medicine. For now I am happy at the fact that Lexapro was able to help me to breath again normally.

Train rides, Dreams, and Coffee

I did the unthinkable. I had a cup of coffee this morning. 54 mintues later, no hyperventialtion! I have a slight caffeine buzz, but that's all. So another day, and I can still say I am not hyperventialting.

Last night I had a nightmare. In the dream I had just bought a puppy who looked just like my all white Jack Russlle Nikko. Nikko died in March of 2002 after being run over by a truck in Costa Rica.

In the dream was carrying her with me everywhere, yet she kept dissapearing. My mom was in the dream, and I also had a panic attack in my dream ( or dreamed I was having one).

I was stuck without any medicine, and I was desperatley searching everywhere in my room for my precription note from my Doctor. That desperation and fear was present throughout the whole nightmare.

Speaking of dreams, that's another begnin side effect that I've experienced with Lexapro ( I forgot to add that one). On day three or four as I was drifting off to sleep my mind was flooded with with a number of forgotten memories... I experienced lucid like dreams in the hypnogicic state. Things that I had not thought about, or remembered, in over 13 14 years.

My train ride from Montpellier to Barcelona right after meeting my biological father Jean Pierre for the first time. The memories of the train ride were vivid. The colour of the water, the small towns, even the traincar itself. I had forgotton all about that trip.

Something is getting better . . .

I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy and happy.

I am not sure if it due to the fact that my body had finally gotten rid of the Klonzopine, or due to the small amount of Lexapro that I am taking. Whatever it is, I am finally experiencing relief from the vicious hyperventilating cycle that has been taxing my body and mind since December.

One of the side effects of Klozonpine can be hyperventilation - so who knows? Perhaps after the initial period the Klonzopine was actually exacerbating the anxiety/panic or causing the hyperventilation.

All I know is that I am so happy it's not happening now.

I am not taking 5mg of Lexapro a day, but rather 2.5mg. I know it is a very small amount - but whatever is in it has helped ( either that or it is just a placebo effect).

I am planning on taking it only for a month or until my supply runs out - and then see if the hyperventilation stays away all together. I am so relieved. The only anxiety symptoms I have had at all this past week it the closing up of the throat/choking feeling, but I can handle that and talk myself out of it.

I was reading the side effects of Lexapro, and some bad experiences some people have had so I really wanted to avoid any side effects or future withdrawals. That is the reason I am taking the least amount possible.

I haven't even had the need to pick up the Xanax my doctor prescribed for me.

I've also made a goal to try to start a juice fast ( I'll still eat some solid foods) in order to be as healthy as possible. I am also going to try to read up on the mechanisms inside the brain in order to try to understand exactly what was causing the hyperventilation.

I'm heading to D.C. again this week going to file the court papers,do some investigating on my dad's estate, and hopefully catch up with some old friends.

I'm also moving into my new apartment at the end of this month ( I can't wait to decorate it). My son will be starting his soccer classes again.

Uncle Charlie's funeral ( well his partner calls it a celebration) will be in less than two weeks now. It sounds like it's going to be a beautiful event. There will be about 100 guests showing up, and there will be a chamber orchestra there as well.

A lot of my family members are coming up so it will be nice to see them ( especially my mom). I have to send my seahorse to the shoe repair shop. Those were the sandals that my Uncle was so fixated with a few months before his death. I want to wear them....

Hopefully the rest will be smooth sailing from here. I'm sure to have a few anxiety bumps in the road to come....but I am for the most part on the road to recovery. It will be interesting to see what happens when I stop the Lexapro. I'm curious as to whether such a minuscule amount per day really did take away the hyperventilation.

Oh and I didn't start a journal of my Lexapro usage, but I wanted to write that the only discomfort was on day two or three ( this was when I was taking the 5mg per day)was a sensation of feeling the outer part of my brain around the skull area. I also felt a rush about 20 minutes after I took the first dosage. It was similar to drinking an energy drink. My palms got sweaty, and I felt like I was going to start hyperventilating. I had already read online that people had experienced this on there initial dosage, and that was what actually triggered panic attacks. I was prepared for it so was able to think myself out of it. Plus after the Klonzopine withdrawal my body/mind are a lot stronger now when it comes to panicking and anxiety.

Plus it helped to know my Doctor was there for me. He told me to call him and tell him how it went after my first dosage, and I did. It is primordial for panic attack suffers to find the right Doctor in order to recover as soon as possible.I've read a lot of bad stories, such as mine , where panic attack sufferers are accused of lying or faking their symptoms.

That only leads to demoralization, depression, despair, and subsequently more anxiety. If you don't get a good feeling over the phone, or after your first consultation SEARCH for another Doctor. While dealing with panic disorder/anxiety it's important to find a psychiatrist that compassionate and empathetic to one's plight.