Train rides, Dreams, and Coffee

I did the unthinkable. I had a cup of coffee this morning. 54 mintues later, no hyperventialtion! I have a slight caffeine buzz, but that's all. So another day, and I can still say I am not hyperventialting.

Last night I had a nightmare. In the dream I had just bought a puppy who looked just like my all white Jack Russlle Nikko. Nikko died in March of 2002 after being run over by a truck in Costa Rica.

In the dream was carrying her with me everywhere, yet she kept dissapearing. My mom was in the dream, and I also had a panic attack in my dream ( or dreamed I was having one).

I was stuck without any medicine, and I was desperatley searching everywhere in my room for my precription note from my Doctor. That desperation and fear was present throughout the whole nightmare.

Speaking of dreams, that's another begnin side effect that I've experienced with Lexapro ( I forgot to add that one). On day three or four as I was drifting off to sleep my mind was flooded with with a number of forgotten memories... I experienced lucid like dreams in the hypnogicic state. Things that I had not thought about, or remembered, in over 13 14 years.

My train ride from Montpellier to Barcelona right after meeting my biological father Jean Pierre for the first time. The memories of the train ride were vivid. The colour of the water, the small towns, even the traincar itself. I had forgotton all about that trip.

Something is getting better . . .

I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy and happy.

I am not sure if it due to the fact that my body had finally gotten rid of the Klonzopine, or due to the small amount of Lexapro that I am taking. Whatever it is, I am finally experiencing relief from the vicious hyperventilating cycle that has been taxing my body and mind since December.

One of the side effects of Klozonpine can be hyperventilation - so who knows? Perhaps after the initial period the Klonzopine was actually exacerbating the anxiety/panic or causing the hyperventilation.

All I know is that I am so happy it's not happening now.

I am not taking 5mg of Lexapro a day, but rather 2.5mg. I know it is a very small amount - but whatever is in it has helped ( either that or it is just a placebo effect).

I am planning on taking it only for a month or until my supply runs out - and then see if the hyperventilation stays away all together. I am so relieved. The only anxiety symptoms I have had at all this past week it the closing up of the throat/choking feeling, but I can handle that and talk myself out of it.

I was reading the side effects of Lexapro, and some bad experiences some people have had so I really wanted to avoid any side effects or future withdrawals. That is the reason I am taking the least amount possible.

I haven't even had the need to pick up the Xanax my doctor prescribed for me.

I've also made a goal to try to start a juice fast ( I'll still eat some solid foods) in order to be as healthy as possible. I am also going to try to read up on the mechanisms inside the brain in order to try to understand exactly what was causing the hyperventilation.

I'm heading to D.C. again this week going to file the court papers,do some investigating on my dad's estate, and hopefully catch up with some old friends.

I'm also moving into my new apartment at the end of this month ( I can't wait to decorate it). My son will be starting his soccer classes again.

Uncle Charlie's funeral ( well his partner calls it a celebration) will be in less than two weeks now. It sounds like it's going to be a beautiful event. There will be about 100 guests showing up, and there will be a chamber orchestra there as well.

A lot of my family members are coming up so it will be nice to see them ( especially my mom). I have to send my seahorse to the shoe repair shop. Those were the sandals that my Uncle was so fixated with a few months before his death. I want to wear them....

Hopefully the rest will be smooth sailing from here. I'm sure to have a few anxiety bumps in the road to come....but I am for the most part on the road to recovery. It will be interesting to see what happens when I stop the Lexapro. I'm curious as to whether such a minuscule amount per day really did take away the hyperventilation.

Oh and I didn't start a journal of my Lexapro usage, but I wanted to write that the only discomfort was on day two or three ( this was when I was taking the 5mg per day)was a sensation of feeling the outer part of my brain around the skull area. I also felt a rush about 20 minutes after I took the first dosage. It was similar to drinking an energy drink. My palms got sweaty, and I felt like I was going to start hyperventilating. I had already read online that people had experienced this on there initial dosage, and that was what actually triggered panic attacks. I was prepared for it so was able to think myself out of it. Plus after the Klonzopine withdrawal my body/mind are a lot stronger now when it comes to panicking and anxiety.

Plus it helped to know my Doctor was there for me. He told me to call him and tell him how it went after my first dosage, and I did. It is primordial for panic attack suffers to find the right Doctor in order to recover as soon as possible.I've read a lot of bad stories, such as mine , where panic attack sufferers are accused of lying or faking their symptoms.

That only leads to demoralization, depression, despair, and subsequently more anxiety. If you don't get a good feeling over the phone, or after your first consultation SEARCH for another Doctor. While dealing with panic disorder/anxiety it's important to find a psychiatrist that compassionate and empathetic to one's plight.