Going to see my Doctor today

I am relieved.

I really wish I didn't have this panic disorder. I keep trying to fool myself, talk myself into the fact that I don't have this affliction - but truth be told it is here and here to stay. Not on a daily basis, but it's here for a while. It's been almost a full year since panic disorder started. Sigh.

Who would want to have this? Who would want to go through the bullshit month after month. Who would want to have to rely on medication? It's a handicap - that's what it is. Nothing about it is fun, or enjoyable.

I really want to try bio nuero feedback one day when I can get the money to do so. Speaking of money, I am really tired of spending money and time on this. I haven't calculated it all, but I'd say panic disorder has cost me AT least 6 or 7 grand. Not including lost wages from work.

I'd love to spend money on something like....oh well... say a pap smear. Which I haven't had in years.

Anyways paying my doctor is worth it though.

If I were at the city Hospital getting help through them, I'd be put on so many medications. The psychiatrist who interviewed me had a very stern face on during out interview, yet when I told her my goal was to eventually get off of the medication - she could hardly contain a big laugh. She did though, and then she said, " Oh no this is just to begin with, if you stay here for treatment we will be giving you a lot more." In other words thier opinion was that I was somehow "nuts".

Those weren't her words verbatim, but that was the gist.

You know there were pamphlets up in the waiting area at the city hospital about therapy groups dealing on bereavement. That is what I would have love to have participated in. Instead I was grilled with a list on borderline personality disorder. Unbelievable.

Anyways I'll post a followup today or later on this weekend about how my doctors appointment went.