Big mistake

I had my worst panic attack since February 3 of this year. I had it at all places at a city hospital.
How on earth did I allow current events to land me back at a city Hospital psych ward, I've been thinking about it all night. It was a terrifying hair raising day, however at the same time it was an enlightening experience as well

First a brief update on how I've been doing.


I moved to my new apartment. My son is back up and at school. I have every reason in the world to be happy right now.

Except there have been a few bumps in the road. My medicaid was cut b/c I did not follow through with a child support enforcement appointment some where in Brooklyn.

They moved my case to another office, I have to to three different places in Brooklyn this week, and I don't even know where to start. Also I was not getting my mail at the place I was living in Brooklyn so I wasn't receiving any information or appointments.

I saw my psychiatrist last time at the end of August. I went to go pay for my prescription of Lexapro, and was told my medicaid was closed. So apart from back to school, moving into my new place, soccer tryouts, I've spent a first part of the month in the subways of Brooklyn trying to find out where and why , and what can I do to solve the situation for my public assistance case.

I've had some heath issues on the table as well. On Sept 7 I was sitting at home and my veins started bulging around my feet and my hands. My heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. I knew this was not panic, nor anything related b/c I felt perfectly OK mentally that is.

I've never had so many palpitations in my heart. I was in bed for four or five hours , and the palpitations did not get any better. I also started to get aches around my chest area.

I made the decision to go to the emergency room. I was told my EKG was not normal for someone my age, and for me not to be alarmed but it was very serious. I've had to wear a holter, had an Eco cardiograph, and I am also getting my thyroid checked. I have partial right bundle branch block, and systolic heart mummer, and I'm waiting for more results.

My son also has a sport injury. He had soccer tryouts and injured his legs. He hadn't played in over a year and during tryouts he pushed himself too hard. So I've been trying to get him help with that.

Since I have been in and out of the Hospital with my son's injury and my heart issues. I walked by the mental health out patient clinic. I thought well gee.... my xanax is almost gone, and this hospital is so close by - wouldn't it be nice if I could get treatment here? Perhaps have psychological therapy as well as psychiatric for my problem. Plus my son's birthday is in a few days.... I could save the money I pay my psychiatrist out of pocket, and use it for his birthday instead.


Part two of this blog is

BIG FRIGGIN MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up at around 8 a.m. and rushed out of my apartment. I was told the earlier one got there the better. I was in such a hurry I put the first pair of shoes on that I could find. A silver pair of slippers. So I had a polo shirt on, jeans, and a silver sandals. I did not realize how ridiculously ostentatious and out of place they looked until I got to the clinic. But I was like "oh well....who cares...

HA!

I'll come back to that subject later. Right now I am about to write about something very serious. It scares the hell out of me that I am actually going to post this, and write about this - but I have to.

As soon as I got passed the waiting area I was brought into another holding area. My urine sample was taken. I sat down and conversed with some of the other patients there. I noticed a man in a green outfit jump at the sight of me. Not jump , but startle. He looked straight at me as if he had seen me before. I choose to ignore him. The look in his eyes was not one of kindness, I can't think of a word to describe it...

About thirty minutes later I was told to go into a room and sit down. I sat in the chair and noticed a man with his back turned to me back inside a closet area. When the man turned around he had his hands in his pants and proceeded to zip them up. I tried to ignore what I just saw yet he kept looking at me. He wanted recognition that I had seen him. I self doubted myself when I first saw it thinking maybe he is just adjusting himself. . .

I thought to myself 'I've seen it all" no way your little show is going to intimidate me or scare me.

A few minutes later the nurse walked in and the same man who I had seen in the closet area with his hands down his pants was putting a thermometer down my throat. I did not even look at him, I purposely kept my attention on the nurse. The nurse who was there kept asking me who referred me .. questions while I had the thermometer in my mouth . The male nurse ( I am not sure he is a nurse) was very rough with my blood pressure check. I still did not give him one iota of attention. Keeping focused on the nurse.

So from there I went back to the waiting area. There were girls there who were very friendly and we started talking about things. Depression, bereavement of loved ones. There was one guy whose behavior was rather odd. I was later told he was sent home without any medication , because they had found cocaine in his system. That's when one girl started up with one worst subjects ever! This triggered my panic attack.

She started saying, in Spanish, "Oh by the way, did you all know that there are people who come here on coke, and then try to get medication here, then go out and sell their medication so they can buy more drugs?"

Jisha Philips' accusation flashed through my mind. I started to remember the nightmare at Beth Israel. That familiar gear shift in my head each time I have had a major panic attack shifted again once again. I was like holy crap, not now.

I got up out of the room and went to the bathroom. I splashed water all over myself. I talked and talked myself out of the panic attack - but this one was about a 9 on of scale of one to ten in severity. I went back down to the waiting area sat down and felt the blood drain out of my arms and legs. I was hyperventilating somewhere even though my breathing seemed to at a perfectly normal pace. I told some of the patients what was wrong with me, and that I was trying to walk it out. I did not want any of the nurses of psychiatrists that were walking by to see me. Last thing I wanted was for the psychiatrists to think I was putting on a show or something.

Then the thoughts started racing what if I were to pass out here? That male nurse. . . OMG I have Jisha Philp's drug selling write up here in my medical files OMG! What if I pass out and they read that OMG! My son is at school...what if I pass out and they lock me up b/c the read Jisha Philp's write up OMG! What if my son comes home and his mom is not there OMG! What will he think...where will he go OMG! ...go throw water on your face..you're passing out... don't let them see you like this... I don't have my cellphone with me ..I need to call my son's school..how will I get in contact with him..what if they think I am borderline medication seller and decide not to assist me...why did you come here..shake your hands shake your legs..try to get sensation back in them...

That was the worst part of the panic attack...it lasted for about 45 minutes. I almost passed out in the chair. I was so proud of myself that I had hid my panic attack. Well I didn't hide it too well. One of the police saw me and followed me to the pay phone where I was trying to call 411 to get information on the whereabouts of my son. I was dripping in water , sweating, so he probably thought the worst. Probably thought I was on drugs or something.

Now back to that male nurse or whatever he was. It hit me where I had seen him before. I am not 100 percent so I will have to check and find out. But if he is ... I will post about it. I might go farther and report it. But I do not know yet so I have to be cautious.

For some reason my son's school is not listed in 411...so I decided to go pick him up. When I got back I was told by some of the patients that my name had already been called. I was seen by a psychologist. The whole time during our interview I was hyperventilating. I was trying to hide the panic attack. My thought were racing in my head yet I still answered her questions. She was stern, but amicable. I related to her things that I have not told anyone in a while. How I was raped when I was 18, and other intimacies.

She told me that city Hospitals have a policy on prescribing xanax. They don't do it. But she said I need to state as clearly as possible what it was I needed. I could tell she was trying to help me out.

Anyways - my interview with the psychiatrist I'll blog about that tomorrow. This post is getting far too long, and I have to go clean. I'm not even going to spell check this post right now/ But before I log off, I would like to mention something that I was thinking about all night ( I couldn't sleep b/c of it).

That male nurse walked himself right into the meeting where the psychiatrists/and psychologists were discussing my case. They were in there for about an hour. I was interviewed and the supervising psychiatrist would go back in there. I can't believe the man that was putting his hands down his pants in front of me was allowed to walk in there like that! Great he knows my name, where I live, and that I've been raped, and has probably listened to a debate on what a nutcase I am. Perfect!

I am not complaining about the hospital or my treatment from the doctors, which actually went well and they were of assistance to me ....but geesh if they only knew who they were allowing to listen in!

I'm still in shock about it.

I went home and immediately and left a message for my private doctor. I told him what a big mistake I had made. I feel so stupid! There were just so many things going on this month and I let time slip up on me. I was also embarrassed to call him at the last minute, and say "hey I've run out of my medication" b/c that would have seemed so irresponsible. I will NEVER make this mistake again. No matter how much I have to pay or who I have to borrow money from.

I will never ever go to a city Hospital again.

I highly recommend any female who is alone- to never go alone to a city hospital.

Always bring someone with you.