I was going to clean but I feel sick

I feel terrible. I took my first dose of the new medicine that I was prescribed. I can't think too well. My thoughts are slow, my mouth is dry, my head feels dizzy. I had to lie down in the bed, and stayed there for an hour or two. My head feels so heavy, and I have this weird sensation on the back of my skull. The crappy thing is my heart palpitations/breathing is the same. It's actually harder to breath it's more shallow. I've had full body jerks like when one falls to sleep. I also feel nausea. My god why did I go to that hospital

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Edit :

I am feeling a little bit better now. I've done some googling and read up on this new medication. Atarax. Yesterday I just briefly read that it was in the same family as Benadryil. I feel calmer now. I don't like the zombie like feeling of this medicine at all though. It's almost similar to the feeling of Klonzopine. Which I really disliked. I couldn't wait to get off of that medicine. My eyes are also dry and my contacts are bothering me.

I forgot to mention in my last post something else. Two of the male patients that were at the outpatient were def looking for medication for the wrong reasons. One of the patients kept asking me what I was prescribed and told me that he had xanax he could sell to me. He said this in Spanish. I was like - WTF????? How can you be saying that out loud? What an idiot. I also was kinda angry at him. It's because of people like him that people with genuine problems have such a hard time getting help. Then again - he has a problem too if he's there doing that.

Then it dawned on me what the average person/ psychiatrist might think about me. I speak so fast, and I mention the deadly word = Colombia. I really dislike the stigma that country has here in the States and around the world. It is such a beautiful country, and well ...I can't blame people but anyways...yesterday for the first time I put two and two together...I am so happy they did a urine test so to avoid anyone jumping to that conclusion.

Oh and the psychiatrist was good. Thank god. I think she prescribed as closely as possible as what she could to what my doctor was giving me.

Unfortunately those stupid silver shoes, and the fact that I am gregarious and out going got me on the train to the BPD diagnosis. Not the doctor I saw, but I noticed every one's eyes psychiatrists and patients alike stared at my shoes. They were so out of place. Urggghhhh today I realized I don't have any winter like shoes at all. I've still been borrowing my son's shoes. And my clothes are still in South Carolina. I haven't picked them up since last November. I am hoping to go down to South Carolina with my son at the end of this month and pick them up.

Anyhow I was given a list of symptoms. I went through the list once or twice and picked out a few of the things that I was feeling, and then she suggested that I should address those that I was feeling my whole life. After reading it once or twice and going through it I immediately recognized the list. In fact it was in the exact same chronological order that I had seen it so many times when I was looking at the Village Voice for Panic and Anxiety treatment. I was like oh no...
I have a really good memory, and it is the same list that Mt. Sinai has one their Borderline Personality add for treating people.

Her questioning did lead me to understand she or other psychiatrists might go that direction. She asked my why I left college my junior and did not finish it. I told her that it was due to financial reasons. My ex stopped paying child support out of the blue. I was working two jobs at the time, was supporting my 4 year old by myself. If I still had friends that I knew when I was younger.

There are so many things that I do not feel comfortable talking about with therapists/psychiatrists that I have just met. There is only so much you can talk about in a short meeting like that. So they get a bare bones idea of who I am.

I don't know what she thinks , but I am pretty sure that I do not have BPD. Not to say I have not portrayed some of those traits in crisis.

I was reading this article about borderlines going into one crisis into another. I gave a lot of thought about that statement.
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=1020

Which kind of sounds like my life, however my crises have all been acts of nature. Deaths in the family, financial losses, my facial dis figuration which led me to stop my acting career. I look back in life and I do see that things could have gone better if I had planned, and thought things out more thoroughly. That has more to do with my A.D.D. than anything. Or at least I believe that to be the case.

The rage anger thing? I studying Budhism, and well no. Never has been me. I'm very quiet. It takes a real wrong for me to get vocal about something. And when I do it is usually through a producitve way ..like the way I blogged about Jisha Philips. I believe in Karma. When people act out of spite and anger and hurt, I realize there is something wrong with them - not with me. I believe in trying to let go and forgive.


There's just a lot of bad ( excuse my French) sh*t that happened to me, and I am kind of a shell shocked version of who I used to be. I've never had tumultuous interpersonal relationships. Just an abusive ex husband, and a boyfriend who couldn't take no for an answer at ending our relationship. Apart from that I still keep in touch with everyone in my past. Even ex boyfriends.


It seems that BPD is very popular with people in the medical field now a days.

Anyways I am happy to have this medication, even though I don't like the feeling/sensation of it. It does qualm the panic. I was able to enjoy my son's birthday too :)