I had the best night of sleep I've had in weeks, yet I woke feeling groggy and slow.
I'm still thinking about that man, what I saw, and how even though I might say it didn't that is what helped to provoke my panic attack. Of course it did in my subconscious. Yesterday I've been doing some research and I believe he is what's call a nurse aide.
Thing is nurse's aide "observe" psych patients and are sometimes give input to psychiatrists and patients behavior. Now I know why he was watching me while the psychiatrists and psychologist were having their meeting, and could mosie his way back in to the meeting.
Absolutely disgusting.
The city psych wards and outpatient clinics are just reprehensible.
I can't believe this.
Thank god I had a decent psychiatrist interviewing me.
My god... they could have locked me up if they wanted to. Just like they tried to do to me at Bellvue on December 7. I went to Bellvue when I went trying to seek help at the outpatient clinic back in December when I first came down with full blown panic disorder.
I went up to the outpatient clinic at 8 am. I was seen around 3:30 pm. I spoke to a social worker for about 45 minutes relating to her my problems, and why I was so panicky. A very young = "psychiatrist"came in sat down..literally took one look at me... smiled sarcastically and said ..
"You need detox" - go downstairs.
I was in shock. But I didn't say anything. I went to go pay and found that I was not even charged for my appointment.
I was supposed to go in the early evening to deposit the money for my new apartment. So I had a fair amount of cash in my purse inside a white envelope. About 900 dollars.
I went downstairs to the triage nurse at the E.R. She asked my what my problem was. I told her I had been upstairs all day at the Outpatient Clinic, that I was sent down for "detox". I told her I didn't understand why I needed detox b/c I had only been on the medication for a week. Yet I related that it was the only thing that would help me breath.
When I walked into the psych area it was very frightening. As soon as I got in there. My purse was taken away, I was told to take my shoes and socks off. There were two males in green outfits who were speaking in a very loud tone at me and policeman who told me to sit down.
They took everything out of my purse. Including personal items ( tampons)....etc . Looking at each item.
I was in such a state of shock I didn't know what to do. Inside there was a man who was acting crazy and violent and kept coming up to me. They took him away. I saw through glass doors a man in an orange outfit with handcuffs. The two male nurse aides proceeded to go through my purse and then they found the money.The looked at it.
I don't know where I got the nerve, but I started to get vocal. I said no I am not letting you take my money. Hand it over to me. I said the exact amount that was there ( the money for my deposit). I was very vocal. Very persistent. I got up and got my envelope. The nurse aide handed me the money and had a yellow envelope. He said, " Here count it in front of me, and then put it in this yellow envelope." I refused to do it. I sat back down with my money. I put the envelope with my medical papers.
As time went by I noticed patients were coming in & signing in at the front desk. Then they would sit down beside me. One man signed in, sat down beside me told me he was out of his medication. After about 45 minutes he was seen on the inside part by a psychiatrist behind the glass doors. He then walked right back out. Telling me they weren't able to help him out.
Thankfully there was a lady my age who was there with her mother. Her mother was depressed and wanted to be voluntarily admitted. She was from South America so we started talking. Our conversation was very amicable. I told her afterwords how worried I was about not being able to sign in. She had observed everything since the start. She told me to try again. I stood up asked the policeman and orderly. The policeman mumbled under his breath and moved his body as if he were about to get out of his chair and bolt toward me. " Sit back down! "
It was a very intimidating situation. I said that I wanted to sign in. Everybody else was allowed to, and I asked why weren't they allowing me to sign my name. I was ignored. I had been waiting for two hours already. Everyone else ( including the woman's mother) had singed in.
Now I was really scared. I told the lady sitting next to me if we could exchange emails. She looked scared for me too. I also asked another man sitting there for his email. I wanted witnesses of what was happening to me. I also wanted to nurse aides & policeman to know I was getting witnesses. All the while holding my money and my medical records close to me.
After about three hours. I was called in by a Doctor that I had not seen there previously. He was unkempt & messy. Looked like a homeless man. One side of the bottom of his slacks were inside of his socks. He was slurring and walking around as if he was on something. Even the women next to me looked at me like 'yikes".
I got into the room with him, and told him I wanted to sign in. That the guards or whatever they were not letting me sign in. He looked at me and asked me " Why do you want to sign in?" What I told him point blank b/c everyone else was signing in! I told him why I was here. While talking he dozed off, chin on his hand, and he had saliva rolling out the corner of his mouth . I was like OMG.
He then woke up out of stupor ( or perhaps it was an act to make me nervous - I don't know) and then said "You are talking really fast, you seem nervous... Let me get you something to drink."
I went back out and about 10 minutes later he came outside with a plastic cup and some water in it. The lady next to me told me not to drink it. I took a small sip - and it tasted like salt water with oil. I threw it out.
God must have been somewhere b/c at that moment the same psychiatrist who I had seen a week ago before I went back to Beth Israel for a second time walked by ( I had previously gone to the E.R. at Bellvue not knowing anything about it's outpatient clinic one week before, and was told to by this psychiatrist to go back to Beth Israel). He was very nice when I had met him the previous time. I was relieved to see a familiar face.
I told him that I had been here for hours. That the cop and these "men" won't let me sign in. I told him the exact amount of cash I had with me. I said, "You can ask her ..." pointing to the lady next to me. He looked at me and then the women next to me. She nodded her head in agreement. He told me to come into the interview room.
I told him that I had been at the outpatient clinic all day, and the the Dr. sent me down here. He asked who? I told him her name. He said that she wasn't supposed to do that. He asked me if she gave me any paperwork or follow up ? I told him no. He was like well I'm going to have to talk with her about this. However it is not city policy that the E.R. can not give out the medication I was on. He told me once again, he was sorry, he could not help but that I would have to return to Beth Israel.
After that I walked out and the policeman and those two big men in their green suits didn't SAY A WORD TO ME. I told them I wanted my purse and my belongings back. I still have proof of the event. Although I never signed in, I still have my yellow envelope that the aides or whoever they were gave back to me. They were planning from the beginning to put me in the hospital overnight or whatever - without me EVEN SEEING A DOCTOR! I still have the yellow envelope.
How incredibly dangerous is that. I've been having flashbacks about this all day long.
I never came to terms with this. This was such a scary event. Same thing with the nurse aide with his zipper down and his hands in his pants at the other city hospital.
I was at Bellvue from 8:30 am to 11:30 pm. I tried to go to sleep but was hyperventilating all night that night. The next morning I called up a friend of mine who is an ex detective for the NYPD. I told him what happened. He advised me to NEVER GO TO A CITY HOSPITAL. I was crying, I asked him what I should do? He told me that the best bet was to go back to Beth Israel. So I did.
I'm realizing it's not Beth Israel that was the whole nightmare , but a few bad seeds in the system.
Yikes!
What if I didn't have just panic disorder? Was a schizophrenic, or a woman was really mentally ill and not as quick on her feet as I was. Or if I DIDN'T HAVE ANY WITNESSES! OR if that nice Doctor DID not come by me.
What if I was borderline, and became enraged at those aides and that policeman? I was vocal but polite. What if I has started yelling?
They could have used that against me, injected me with something, and that would have been that. Or if I yelled at the aide the other day when I saw him with his hands down his pants. Whose report would people who didn't know me believe ?
The possibilities are endless. Scary stuff.
One thing is I'm not going to dwell on this anymore. I have a life to live and things to do. Thank god ( again) that have some one to live for. If not I might have committed suicide after all this. Panic disorder can really make one vulnerable to people who don't understand it.
I want my life back and was on the track to getting it back, and I am going to do it. Regardless of scumbags or the trauma created from them.
:)
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