Train rides, Dreams, and Coffee

I did the unthinkable. I had a cup of coffee this morning. 54 mintues later, no hyperventialtion! I have a slight caffeine buzz, but that's all. So another day, and I can still say I am not hyperventialting.

Last night I had a nightmare. In the dream I had just bought a puppy who looked just like my all white Jack Russlle Nikko. Nikko died in March of 2002 after being run over by a truck in Costa Rica.

In the dream was carrying her with me everywhere, yet she kept dissapearing. My mom was in the dream, and I also had a panic attack in my dream ( or dreamed I was having one).

I was stuck without any medicine, and I was desperatley searching everywhere in my room for my precription note from my Doctor. That desperation and fear was present throughout the whole nightmare.

Speaking of dreams, that's another begnin side effect that I've experienced with Lexapro ( I forgot to add that one). On day three or four as I was drifting off to sleep my mind was flooded with with a number of forgotten memories... I experienced lucid like dreams in the hypnogicic state. Things that I had not thought about, or remembered, in over 13 14 years.

My train ride from Montpellier to Barcelona right after meeting my biological father Jean Pierre for the first time. The memories of the train ride were vivid. The colour of the water, the small towns, even the traincar itself. I had forgotton all about that trip.

Something is getting better . . .

I haven't updated in a while. I've been busy and happy.

I am not sure if it due to the fact that my body had finally gotten rid of the Klonzopine, or due to the small amount of Lexapro that I am taking. Whatever it is, I am finally experiencing relief from the vicious hyperventilating cycle that has been taxing my body and mind since December.

One of the side effects of Klozonpine can be hyperventilation - so who knows? Perhaps after the initial period the Klonzopine was actually exacerbating the anxiety/panic or causing the hyperventilation.

All I know is that I am so happy it's not happening now.

I am not taking 5mg of Lexapro a day, but rather 2.5mg. I know it is a very small amount - but whatever is in it has helped ( either that or it is just a placebo effect).

I am planning on taking it only for a month or until my supply runs out - and then see if the hyperventilation stays away all together. I am so relieved. The only anxiety symptoms I have had at all this past week it the closing up of the throat/choking feeling, but I can handle that and talk myself out of it.

I was reading the side effects of Lexapro, and some bad experiences some people have had so I really wanted to avoid any side effects or future withdrawals. That is the reason I am taking the least amount possible.

I haven't even had the need to pick up the Xanax my doctor prescribed for me.

I've also made a goal to try to start a juice fast ( I'll still eat some solid foods) in order to be as healthy as possible. I am also going to try to read up on the mechanisms inside the brain in order to try to understand exactly what was causing the hyperventilation.

I'm heading to D.C. again this week going to file the court papers,do some investigating on my dad's estate, and hopefully catch up with some old friends.

I'm also moving into my new apartment at the end of this month ( I can't wait to decorate it). My son will be starting his soccer classes again.

Uncle Charlie's funeral ( well his partner calls it a celebration) will be in less than two weeks now. It sounds like it's going to be a beautiful event. There will be about 100 guests showing up, and there will be a chamber orchestra there as well.

A lot of my family members are coming up so it will be nice to see them ( especially my mom). I have to send my seahorse to the shoe repair shop. Those were the sandals that my Uncle was so fixated with a few months before his death. I want to wear them....

Hopefully the rest will be smooth sailing from here. I'm sure to have a few anxiety bumps in the road to come....but I am for the most part on the road to recovery. It will be interesting to see what happens when I stop the Lexapro. I'm curious as to whether such a minuscule amount per day really did take away the hyperventilation.

Oh and I didn't start a journal of my Lexapro usage, but I wanted to write that the only discomfort was on day two or three ( this was when I was taking the 5mg per day)was a sensation of feeling the outer part of my brain around the skull area. I also felt a rush about 20 minutes after I took the first dosage. It was similar to drinking an energy drink. My palms got sweaty, and I felt like I was going to start hyperventilating. I had already read online that people had experienced this on there initial dosage, and that was what actually triggered panic attacks. I was prepared for it so was able to think myself out of it. Plus after the Klonzopine withdrawal my body/mind are a lot stronger now when it comes to panicking and anxiety.

Plus it helped to know my Doctor was there for me. He told me to call him and tell him how it went after my first dosage, and I did. It is primordial for panic attack suffers to find the right Doctor in order to recover as soon as possible.I've read a lot of bad stories, such as mine , where panic attack sufferers are accused of lying or faking their symptoms.

That only leads to demoralization, depression, despair, and subsequently more anxiety. If you don't get a good feeling over the phone, or after your first consultation SEARCH for another Doctor. While dealing with panic disorder/anxiety it's important to find a psychiatrist that compassionate and empathetic to one's plight.

This morning

This morning my son and I made a mad dash and jumped onto the crowded stinky NYC metro right before the doors closed. I looked over and saw a female in her mid 20's waving her hand over her face to cool herself down. It was chilly and raining today so my first thought was that it must be really hot in here in the subway. After few minutes I glanced over again and she was still fanning her face. Then she started to take her jacket off. She then asked the man sitting down if he could get up so she could sit. I looked down and saw that her breathing was really labored. She was having a panic attack.

I wanted to reach out to her and help her. I remember when having my full blown panic attack people asking me what was wrong actually solidified my panic and made it worse. However I quickly asked ( couldn't help it) and she responded that she did not know what was happening to her.

Part of me wanted to say, "Your having a panic attack!" In the hopes that she could learn about what was happening to her before it got any worse. That would not have been the best thing to do though. She was hyperventilating and just closed her eyes. My son and I got off and I do not know what happened. I hope she is OK.

It brought up memories of my second full blown panic attack which happened about a year after my first one. I never thought I would have another one. I was going through a lot of emotional stress due to what was happening to my son in school. I was also up in New York b/c I had an appointment with my lawyer who was handling my father's estate.

On October 31 had called me up crying over the phone that my mom ( his grand mom) was not going to take him to the Halloween hayride. He went when he was 9 years old and that was one of the fondest memories of his grandma and of South Carolina. His heart was broken. I begged her to take him. She was upset about him getting detentions almost every other day, and said no.

My son called me up saying he was thinking of running away from home. There was so much sadness in his voice. He had been through so much in that South Carolina public school and this was the icing on the cake. My mom validating a bunch of racist pigs picking on him for being Hispanic.

When I travel I always take a picture with me of him. Ironically the one I had chosen for this particular trip was a photo I had with me was the one from when he was 9 attending that same Hayride he wanted to go to so badly. I wanted him as well b/c that to me represented a part of his youth and innocence. I wanted him to get in touch with that again.

My sleep was all messed up. I cried every night. Then I think it was on the 3 or 4th of November when PANIC showed it's ugly face again. I was feeling really sick and hot. I thought to myself
" Oh my god I need to go sit down somewhere." I went into the first restaurant I could find. The Heartland Brewery at the Empire State Building. I asked the host if I could get a table b/c I needed to sit down b/c I was feeling very sick. He informed me that tables were only for people eating full meals. The restaurant was very busy. Then he told me I could go over to the bar instead.

T The actual place where I had my second panic attack

I went over to the bar and there was no place to sit. All the seats were taken. I was standing up and waited for like 15 minutes. The bartender was busy. I ordered mashed potatoes, spinach, and Sprite. My order took forever to get to me. I started feeling even sicker. I ran to the same host and asked him if I could please sit down somewhere. He informed me once again that there was no table ready and I could only sit down if I was ordering a full meal. I told him that I would order a full meal...that I was really feeling sick. I went back to the bar started sweating....and stood for a few more minutes and the BOOM.

Something in my mind went on slow motion. I can best described it as a stick shift car going from gear 5 to neutral in less than a second. The gears changed and then I fell down to the floor.

I was terrified of the body twitching ( they felt like convulsions) I had experienced a year before when I had my first panic attack. I just thought to myself oh no please not again not again ....not here ...not now....My brain was flooded with the thought that I might die...my heart might give out on me....and my son would be stuck in that terrible situation if I were to die

I couldn't breath. I was scared out of my mind. After a few minutes I forced myself up again. I wanted to escape somewhere. I asked where the ladies room was and went down a large wooden staircase. The place was huge downstairs. There were more tables ...more people.I found the first empty table and collapsed my upper body on an empty table. I'll never forget the manager there at Heartland Brewery. She stayed with me until the ambulance got there. I was in a fetal position, hyperventilating . ... She was so kind. Without her I think I might of passed out.

The ambulance took me to Beth Israel, and was talked out of my panic attack by a wonderful Doctor there in the E.R. room.

As many bad people that I've met during the worst parts of my panic attacks and development of panic disorder, I've met kind compassionate human beings as well.

I should be filling my mind with the positive memories ( sounds like a silly statement when remembering panic attacks) and positive people instead of just focusing on the uneducated angry sadistic people I've also encountered.

Speaking of positive people I went to see my psychiatrist again. He is wonderful. I feel so lucky to have found him. He knows about my situation and is charging me about 1/3 of what he normally charges. I expressed to him my concerns about Clonzopen. I told him I had weaned myself off of it. I told him I was learning to control my panic attacks now, and that I only wanted something lighter to take. I mentioned xanax.

Now that I've educated myself of Benzopines I do not want them in my blood stream non stop.I've said this before, and I'll say it again. Clozopine was a life safer in the worst stages - and gave me time to educate myself and probably nipped more panic attacks in the bud.

I want to have something for an emergency crisis...for a plane ride...in other words as a "just in case". So he prescribed me 60 for two months.

I haven't even felt the need to go to pharmacy and pick them up !


I did mention to him how depressed I was. Panic disorder and perhaps aftereffects of the Clozpen tapering it's self had lead me to feel worthless and depressed. I mean everyday for the past two months the tears just roll down my eyes.

He suggested an anti-depressant. Now for me to accept this and say yes was a big deal to me. I knew I needed to give something a try. I told him I wanted the least amount of medicine and my main concern was getting off of it. I never want to experience withdrawal symptoms again in my life!

I've set a guideline and will only be using this medication until things in my life settle down, and until my dad's estate is closed. He gave me a Lexapro sample that will last me for a month. So two days ago I started 5 milligrams of Lexapro per day. And I hate to admit this...but it's totally stopped that gear function in my mind that kick started the hyperventilation...and hampered any anticipatory anxiety from starting.

I have more to write about this tomorrow, and will be doing a journal of my experience with this medicine. I can't believe I am taking an anti-depressant. It is so against my beliefs - but oh well. Like my mom said,

"When you get a headache do you feel bad about taking an aspirin?"

No

"Well then why do you feel bad about taking an antidepressant if you really need it?"

New Blog

I've started my new blog! Yeaaaaa. New beginning. I am happy to say that I really believe I have the panic under control. I still have hyperventilation problems that sneak in during the day - but I have been able to control them. I found that concentrating or meditating with all my focus on another part of my body - for example my little toe , or my the back of my elbow, surprisingly helps nipping the hyperventilation from starting. It's so hard to explain - but I literally feel like there is a switch in the back of my nose that turns on and off. Before that would start the panic attack. Now it only has power to start the hyperventilation.. . .

The factors that were creating the panic and stress are all but gone - for the most part.

My son is doing well in his new school and has only received one detention. A far cry from being a Hispanic assassin who was getting detentions everyday. I'll never forget the "honey mustard" detention. The one he got b/c he got up during lunch. He's been so resilient. He would have done better in school if his mom had been more there for him. But these past months were just terrible :(.

Hopefully my dad's estate will have some closure as well. I did some brainstorming this past weeks and called up the same clerk of court who told me I would need to be bonded for the amount of money left in the state. There is no way I would be able to that - but I called her back and asked her what would happen if my sister and I were both co-representatives. BINGO! She said in that case we would only need a nominal surtey bond of only three hundred dollars.

The living situation is better. I am staying with a nice older Buddhist lady, and a friend of mine heard about my situation. She is leaving her rent stabilized apartment b/c she's moving back to Europe for good. So I will paying 725 for a two bedroom in a nice part of town. Plus she's leaving all her furniture which I am buying for next to nothing. Unheard of! I am excited to have a room for myself and room for my son.

Anyways ....I went to see my psychiatrist today ..and he talked me into something. And I said YES.... I told him how sad and depressed I was feeling and that I was obbsessing about the event that started my panic disorder and the events surrounding me trying to get help with it. That it not my normal way of being pre Panic Attacks/Disorder.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am only going to try it for three months ..I told him about how difficult it had been to get of the Clonzopine ...and well...I'll talk about that later...I'm tired of that subject today.