I finally got around to calling the credit card companies. One of my credit cards was closed and sent to collections :(. For the past three years I paid that card on time. I took a pride in getting my credit back on track. It hurts :( I actually cried when I heard that today. I stopped paying back in February. ..when everything went a muck.
Luckily one of my credit cards was still open and I am setting up a payment for tomorrow.
Still have some discomfort with chest and pressure around the lungs... but nothing compared to that sensation of the nose/brain area that caused hyperventilation. It's uncomfortable but manageable.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Trying to get my self esteem back
I think it is safe to say I no longer have panic disorder. That's not to say I will never have a panic attack again, but it's no longer a daily thing. I hope I am not talking too soon but that seems to be the case. I do have heart palpitations, and occasionally it feels as if an elephant is sitting on my chest/heart area....but not the hyperventilation problem....
Depression was tough. That's an understatement. I've never been depressed for so long in my life before. I still have qualms about antidepressants though. I read somewhere that psychiatrists are more likely than the average person to take SSRI's b/c they know the benefits of them. I suppose I am afraid of the up or downs I might go through by getting off of them. The Lexapro was helpful, and I am going to use it for a month or two more, but I didn't feel like me. You know when you cry and your heart hurts? When you actually feel that ache while you are crying. With Lexapro I felt that ache but it was numb. There but not there.
Six months of depression. The severe depression started right about the time my Uncle died, and I had to send my son away.
Six months of zombie like nothingness. Of crying everyday. Of not accomplishing anything in my life. Of not going anywhere.
Now that I think I am finally seeing the light, where or how do I get my self esteem back on track? My credit went to mess. My clothes no longer fit. I have very little self pride.
I used to wake up in the morning with excitement and joy about the day and it's possibilities. I want to now, but as much as I try it feels feigned.
Plus as of late I my body has been going through discomfort. Burning sensation under the skin, muscle aches. These past two weeks I wake up unable to open my jaw, and my shoulder and neck feel frozen when I wake up in the morning. I've googled the symptoms and TMJ comes up. Nothing serious but it sure is uncomfortable. I'll go to a doctor if it keeps up to find out what is wrong.
I'm looking forward to my appointment with my psychiatrist this week. I really don't know what would have happened to me without his assistance. I wish I could afford to see the psychotherapist that recommended him to me. She was wonderful. I think more than any medication what I need is someone to talk to.
My son is having a blast. I am so happy he's having fun. Last night he went to spend the night at his friends' house. This morning he went to church with my grandparents. My mom bought him his favorite Rhonaldinho soccer shoes...I wish I were down there with him but I have to use this time to organize things for next year. That will be our last year in New York. I want him to finish middle school here.
Unfortunately the apartment didn't work out. I was supposed to "sublease' it, but the Jewish lady found out, and I was honest with her. I could have caused a fuss, and stayed in the apartment, gotten a lawyer, but the last thing I wanted is a group of Hasidics upset with me. Her parents are Holocaust survivors.
She had promised the apartment to a construction guy, and he's renovating the apartment right now as I am typing. The apartment was nice, two bedrooms for 725 dollars, with a view to the Empire State Building. I had to move out to another apartment on the same floor. It's a one bedroom for 1000 dollars. I'll live in Brooklyn, walk up six flights of stairs for 725 dollars a month, but no way will I do that for the apartment I am in now.
Its been a learning experience for both myself and my son. Living here has been like living in Antwerp. It has a very European feel to it. My building is full of these adorable little children playing in the hallways. They practice their English with me. One little boy asks me every time he see me "What is your name?" and if there are other kids they start to echo him. The stairway fills of little voices asking me what my name is.
There is a very peaceful energy in this area, I feel very safe here. I think that has been conducive in helping to heal my panic disorder.
When we first got here my son went to the Kosher grocery store to get some milk and cereal. He came back frustrated and upset.
" Mom I am never going to the Kosher store ever ever again! The lady threw the change at me!I'm NEVER going there again- no way. That was so rude! Mom she THEW the change at me. From now on I am only going to the Latino store."
Well after reading and studying about the Hasids he understands now, we now go to the Kosher store and if there's a man at the register my son gets the change and vice-versa. One thing I found odd it that they are all on foodstamps!! Then again with 9 to 10 kids per family....
They keep all the non Jewish people on the sixth floor so there is an interesting dynamic amongst the people on this floor. I've never lived in a place and had neighbors reach out to me ( friendship wise) in such a short time period.
On of my neighbors is a 20 year old photography assistant who is also subleasing. She lent me a video the other day about the Hasids called A Life Apart. It was fascinating to watch b/c it gave me an inside look into their world.
They are very peaceful people. It's been a fun learning experience, but I couldn't handle living here for long...I'm a loner as it is, but feeling like a minority just walking down the streets kinda odd. I'm always worried if my shirt is too tight. I won't wear shorts around here either.
Plus I miss Manhattan way too much. No more subway for me or my son.
Oh and my passport is in Arlington Texas. I left my cell phone on in the hopes that whoever took my bag might use it. Well they did and all the calls were in Texas. Whoever flew out of the terminal went to Texas, and kept my cell phone and passport. I am going back to the airport tmmrw and reporting it as theft. I called one of the numbers that was called out from my cellphone with and a man answered. I asked him about my passport and told him I would pay him a reward for it. He denied everything. I called back 10 minutes later and both my cell phone and his cell phone were turned off! I have his name and number ( I did a reverse search) and am going to give it to the detectives. It would be sweet if they could find out if anyone under that name flew out of the airport terminal I was at. What a piece of dirt that person must be. This morning I called his cellphone number and it is now disconnected.
Depression was tough. That's an understatement. I've never been depressed for so long in my life before. I still have qualms about antidepressants though. I read somewhere that psychiatrists are more likely than the average person to take SSRI's b/c they know the benefits of them. I suppose I am afraid of the up or downs I might go through by getting off of them. The Lexapro was helpful, and I am going to use it for a month or two more, but I didn't feel like me. You know when you cry and your heart hurts? When you actually feel that ache while you are crying. With Lexapro I felt that ache but it was numb. There but not there.
Six months of depression. The severe depression started right about the time my Uncle died, and I had to send my son away.
Six months of zombie like nothingness. Of crying everyday. Of not accomplishing anything in my life. Of not going anywhere.
Now that I think I am finally seeing the light, where or how do I get my self esteem back on track? My credit went to mess. My clothes no longer fit. I have very little self pride.
I used to wake up in the morning with excitement and joy about the day and it's possibilities. I want to now, but as much as I try it feels feigned.
Plus as of late I my body has been going through discomfort. Burning sensation under the skin, muscle aches. These past two weeks I wake up unable to open my jaw, and my shoulder and neck feel frozen when I wake up in the morning. I've googled the symptoms and TMJ comes up. Nothing serious but it sure is uncomfortable. I'll go to a doctor if it keeps up to find out what is wrong.
I'm looking forward to my appointment with my psychiatrist this week. I really don't know what would have happened to me without his assistance. I wish I could afford to see the psychotherapist that recommended him to me. She was wonderful. I think more than any medication what I need is someone to talk to.
My son is having a blast. I am so happy he's having fun. Last night he went to spend the night at his friends' house. This morning he went to church with my grandparents. My mom bought him his favorite Rhonaldinho soccer shoes...I wish I were down there with him but I have to use this time to organize things for next year. That will be our last year in New York. I want him to finish middle school here.
Unfortunately the apartment didn't work out. I was supposed to "sublease' it, but the Jewish lady found out, and I was honest with her. I could have caused a fuss, and stayed in the apartment, gotten a lawyer, but the last thing I wanted is a group of Hasidics upset with me. Her parents are Holocaust survivors.
She had promised the apartment to a construction guy, and he's renovating the apartment right now as I am typing. The apartment was nice, two bedrooms for 725 dollars, with a view to the Empire State Building. I had to move out to another apartment on the same floor. It's a one bedroom for 1000 dollars. I'll live in Brooklyn, walk up six flights of stairs for 725 dollars a month, but no way will I do that for the apartment I am in now.
Its been a learning experience for both myself and my son. Living here has been like living in Antwerp. It has a very European feel to it. My building is full of these adorable little children playing in the hallways. They practice their English with me. One little boy asks me every time he see me "What is your name?" and if there are other kids they start to echo him. The stairway fills of little voices asking me what my name is.
There is a very peaceful energy in this area, I feel very safe here. I think that has been conducive in helping to heal my panic disorder.
When we first got here my son went to the Kosher grocery store to get some milk and cereal. He came back frustrated and upset.
" Mom I am never going to the Kosher store ever ever again! The lady threw the change at me!I'm NEVER going there again- no way. That was so rude! Mom she THEW the change at me. From now on I am only going to the Latino store."
Well after reading and studying about the Hasids he understands now, we now go to the Kosher store and if there's a man at the register my son gets the change and vice-versa. One thing I found odd it that they are all on foodstamps!! Then again with 9 to 10 kids per family....
They keep all the non Jewish people on the sixth floor so there is an interesting dynamic amongst the people on this floor. I've never lived in a place and had neighbors reach out to me ( friendship wise) in such a short time period.
On of my neighbors is a 20 year old photography assistant who is also subleasing. She lent me a video the other day about the Hasids called A Life Apart. It was fascinating to watch b/c it gave me an inside look into their world.
They are very peaceful people. It's been a fun learning experience, but I couldn't handle living here for long...I'm a loner as it is, but feeling like a minority just walking down the streets kinda odd. I'm always worried if my shirt is too tight. I won't wear shorts around here either.
Plus I miss Manhattan way too much. No more subway for me or my son.
Oh and my passport is in Arlington Texas. I left my cell phone on in the hopes that whoever took my bag might use it. Well they did and all the calls were in Texas. Whoever flew out of the terminal went to Texas, and kept my cell phone and passport. I am going back to the airport tmmrw and reporting it as theft. I called one of the numbers that was called out from my cellphone with and a man answered. I asked him about my passport and told him I would pay him a reward for it. He denied everything. I called back 10 minutes later and both my cell phone and his cell phone were turned off! I have his name and number ( I did a reverse search) and am going to give it to the detectives. It would be sweet if they could find out if anyone under that name flew out of the airport terminal I was at. What a piece of dirt that person must be. This morning I called his cellphone number and it is now disconnected.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Hmmmmm
Good news - no panic attack or breathing problems today for me. Just a tingling sensation in my legs and hands - as if they had fallen asleep.
Not so good news - I saw my son sticking his head out the window this morning. That's how he deals with the breathing problem. Somehow he thinks by sticking his head out the window it will help his panic attack. Makes sense from a child's point of view. He's had two full blown panic attacks, and I am beginning to realize that they occur when he is moving from one place to another. Poor thing :(. He was starting up on the subway as well. Not full blown panic but where I can tell he is feeling ill. He get a very worried look on his face and I can tell he is trying to control his breath.
Good news - I was able to get his mind off of it with questions like; What's the first thing your going to eat when you get to grandma's house? Or are you going which friends house are you going to go over to first?
Great news - He's on summer vacation away from the stinky city, and is going to enjoy every minute of it. Soccer camp, the beach, his friends, grandma spoiling him...
Good news - My doctor called and I am setting up an appointment for next week
Crappy news - I was so emotionally overwhelmed at the airport today while I was waiting for his airplane to take off I started to cry tears of happiness?relief? Whatever they were....that combined with feeling lightheaded and faint ...
and I forgot the bag where I was carrying my passport at the terminal! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Wishful thinking news - I am still keeping my hopes up that someone will turn it in tomorrow. I think one of the cleaning ladies got it.
Could it be I no longer have panic disorder???
Not so good news - I saw my son sticking his head out the window this morning. That's how he deals with the breathing problem. Somehow he thinks by sticking his head out the window it will help his panic attack. Makes sense from a child's point of view. He's had two full blown panic attacks, and I am beginning to realize that they occur when he is moving from one place to another. Poor thing :(. He was starting up on the subway as well. Not full blown panic but where I can tell he is feeling ill. He get a very worried look on his face and I can tell he is trying to control his breath.
Good news - I was able to get his mind off of it with questions like; What's the first thing your going to eat when you get to grandma's house? Or are you going which friends house are you going to go over to first?
Great news - He's on summer vacation away from the stinky city, and is going to enjoy every minute of it. Soccer camp, the beach, his friends, grandma spoiling him...
Good news - My doctor called and I am setting up an appointment for next week
Crappy news - I was so emotionally overwhelmed at the airport today while I was waiting for his airplane to take off I started to cry tears of happiness?relief? Whatever they were....that combined with feeling lightheaded and faint ...
and I forgot the bag where I was carrying my passport at the terminal! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Wishful thinking news - I am still keeping my hopes up that someone will turn it in tomorrow. I think one of the cleaning ladies got it.
Could it be I no longer have panic disorder???
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Feeling a little weak
I've run out of all medicine ( including Xanax) I saved two just in case.
I called my doctor and he returned my phone call ....left a message that he did not have any availability for last week..... but he did for this week. I was busy moving furniture from one apartment to the other...and I wasn't able to set up an appointment for this week. Will be doing so next week.... I want to get on the Lexapro for just a month or two more. I really felt it was helpful and allowed me to "heal". I am not fond of the idea of staying on it. I don't feel my body or mind should rely on any kind of medicine.
Tomorrow my son is leaving for his summer vacation. I was doing ok, until I thought about him leaving. He's going to have so much fun, but I am still going to miss him.
I am beginning to realize I might suffer from a severe form separation anxiety. Every panic attack ( except for one) that I have had has been while I am away from him. Two of them in the airport. Today I started feeling very weak - no hyperventilation- but just weak. Almost as if I were to exert myself too much I might faint. Shallow breathing. A few heart palpitations here and there...no "panic" feeling though. No psychological panic - just weakness. No sensation in the upper nasal area like before....
Interesting...
Tomorrow will be a big day. I am taking him to the airport and it's going to be at LaGuardia the place where I had my last panic attack. I think I will be ok. I'll be proud of myself if everything goes well...
Speaking of proud... well my son makes me so proud. He went through so much this year. And was able to tough it out, pass 7th grade, and still keep the shine in eyes and love in his heart. He makes it all worth it. That's why no matter what happens I'll keep fighting and staying strong for his sake.
I called my doctor and he returned my phone call ....left a message that he did not have any availability for last week..... but he did for this week. I was busy moving furniture from one apartment to the other...and I wasn't able to set up an appointment for this week. Will be doing so next week.... I want to get on the Lexapro for just a month or two more. I really felt it was helpful and allowed me to "heal". I am not fond of the idea of staying on it. I don't feel my body or mind should rely on any kind of medicine.
Tomorrow my son is leaving for his summer vacation. I was doing ok, until I thought about him leaving. He's going to have so much fun, but I am still going to miss him.
I am beginning to realize I might suffer from a severe form separation anxiety. Every panic attack ( except for one) that I have had has been while I am away from him. Two of them in the airport. Today I started feeling very weak - no hyperventilation- but just weak. Almost as if I were to exert myself too much I might faint. Shallow breathing. A few heart palpitations here and there...no "panic" feeling though. No psychological panic - just weakness. No sensation in the upper nasal area like before....
Interesting...
Tomorrow will be a big day. I am taking him to the airport and it's going to be at LaGuardia the place where I had my last panic attack. I think I will be ok. I'll be proud of myself if everything goes well...
Speaking of proud... well my son makes me so proud. He went through so much this year. And was able to tough it out, pass 7th grade, and still keep the shine in eyes and love in his heart. He makes it all worth it. That's why no matter what happens I'll keep fighting and staying strong for his sake.
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